I have managed to complete the first draft of the sitcom pilot script I was working on and it's running long (49 pages) so a lot of editing and reworking scenes lies ahead of me. Here is one of the scenes that may be heading for the circular file, it won't be in proper format here but I think it's still readable.
Scene from “Never Meet Your Friends”
Int. Kitchen- day
Lauren is making some kind of health drink concoction in the blender as Drew enters and takes a beer from the fridge.
LAUREN
Wait before you get your midday buzz on I want you to try this.
DREW
What is it?
LAUREN
Something a lot better for you than that.
Lauren points towards the beer bottle in Drew’s Hand, Drew places the beer down on the kitchen worktop. When the blender stops droning Lauren pours the hideous looking lumpy concoction into a tall glass and hands it Drew. Drew takes a look at his fate awaiting him and takes a gulp of air into his throat.
DREW
Bottoms up, as the priest said to the quire boy.
Drew takes a large sip and as the liquid touches the back of his throat he spits it back out all over the kitchen work top.
DREW
Whoa college flashback.
LAUREN
You telling me you were on a health kick in college?
DREW
No I just remembered the day I woke up and found a dog peeing in my mouth, what the hell is in this?
Lauren begins to wipe the worktop clean.
LAUREN
Just the usual stuff, wheatgrass, honey, beetroot and apparently dog pee.
Drew takes a long swig of his beer to clean out his mouth.
DREW
Ahhh, that’s better so you and this Charlie guy?
LAUREN
What about me and Charlie?
DREW
Nothing, nothing it just seems to be progressing a bit quickly is all.
LAUREN
And you are the expert on dating all of a sudden?
DREW
Look I know when it comes to being smooth and slick Charlie is the king of romance and I’m the court jester.
LAUREN
Well you have had a lot of experience juggling your balls.
DREW
Very funny, don’t you think he’s a little too smooth?
LAUREN
Nope.
DREW
Look I know how men think I am a man…
LAUREN
The jury is out on that one.
DREW
Any guy that smooth is only telling you what you want to hear to get what he wants, know where I’m going with this?
LAUREN
Oh I don’t know it’s ever so cryptic.
DREW
He wants you to give his dog a bone and by dog I mean him and by bone I mean..
LAUREN
I know what you mean.
DREW
Penis.
Lauren places her hand to her shaking head.
DREW(CONT'D)
You need someone who will tell it to you straight no smooth bs crap.
LAUREN
What someone like you?
They share an awkward moment of silence.
DREW
What about Rory?
LAUREN
What about Rory?
DREW
Is this the kind of male role model you want in his life?
LAUREN
At least it would be a male role model in his life his own father doesn’t care about him and you
DREW
What about me?
LAUREN
In the 2 weeks we’ve lived here he’s learnt more curse words than in the rest of his life so far and the jokes!
DREW
(Defensive)
What Jokes?
LAUREN
The squirrel joke?
DREW
Squirrel joke? Don’t know it.
LAUREN
Why do squirrels swim on their backs? So they don’t get their nuts wet.
Drew tries to hide a proud smile.
LAUREN (CONT'D)
That isn’t funny.
DREW
It is a little.
LAUREN
Not when he tells his teacher it in class. Drew, he’s only 9 years old you can’t get drunk and hang out with him playing xbox all day.
DREW
Look I never said I was perfect, I am who I am and if you don’t like that then
LAUREN
We should leave, that’s what we’ll do.
Lauren storms out.
DREW
Lauren wait, ah fu..ddlesticks.
End scene.
The fu..ddlesticks bit at the end is in reference to an earlier moment where Drew is attempting to not swear in front of Rory (Lauren's 9 year old son). Anyhoo this is a scene I'm not to happy with as I feel it's too long even though it does set up a later scene which I really like so it's hard to know what to do I may end up just reworking it down in length or coming into the scene from a different angle.
Thanking you
The Housebound Writer
Congrats mate! You did it. I actually like the scene. Agreed, a bit too long though but it flows nice. Let it "simmer" for a while. Collect your self, have a drink and some relaxation. You've earned it pal. Than after a while pick up the scenario and clean that baby up. This is day one of your legend! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Tim it means a lot to me that you liked it. I'm going to go back and edit a script I wrote last year before going into the editing phase on this one to give it time to breathe. I got maybe 8-10 pages to cut to bring down the running time but a lot of it is fairly easy stuff to fix it was just me getting used to the different genre style as I have only written one hour drama length for TV before and the more conventional feature length film scripts so I tend to write longer scenes than needed, haha . It was a fun process though writing the 30 minute sitcom style very different and more challenging than I would have ever considered before guess it’s the reason these shows have 30 writers working on them.
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